My Blood

My blood

I gave you an in. You saw me in the restaurant
and decided that was it.
I let my self be led. I sad no to what I needed
Two years I sat with a question
Waiting for a way out
Instead of just taking it
I dug a well bigger than my childhood
bigger than myself

Can you hear me?
Do you finally see me
Or are you too lost searching
for some greater meaning

You are your greatest teacher
and know one else is gonna save you
You already have all the love within you

I gave you my attention
I moved when you asked me to
You knew how to make my every action
worth your time

Can you hear me?
Do you finally see me
Or are you too lost searching
for some greater meaning

You are your greatest teacher
and know one else will save you
You already have all the love within you

Yes, to everything that is.

okay,

Doing another blog. This time though, instead of writing a tumultuous, emotionally charged piece full of all my regrets and unwillingness to accept the current color of this dream, I'm going to get real.

I am a 25 year old white girl living in Denton, Tx. I am dating a guy named Alex whom I also share a house with. I play music in a band. I work at a credit union called DATCU. I have some friends and some acquaintances. I have approximately 3,000 dollars in debt which includes medical bills, credit cards, and and student loans. My mother, and 2 brothers also live near.

These are all concrete facts that I can say are true. I have avoided relaying any judgments about these facts.

Any suffering I have is due to my attachment to these facts and how I interpret them. Right here and now, I am not thinking about them. I am not worried about them, because here and now they are not a problem.

Alex and I are going to the Dallas Arts convention down town. His band will be play tonight. I will enjoy all the fruits of this evening without drifting into the future and worrying that my legs fall off.  

I have chosen to forget about my life and get swept up in the world and in the interconnectivity. I have thought about my expectations and my needs way too much. I know that writing is the way for me. Whether its poetry, stories, or songs. Creating is essential to my survival. I have known this for a long time. I guess I was to focused on trying to perfect my vessel. I think that this vessel with extend in flow into the river of life naturally. I must trust it. I must trust in life. Today I am saying yes. I am saying yes to everything that is in my life.

Sequestered

The yuppies are in the next room

Singing songs they fancy enchanting 

They could bore a tick to death

I want more. More than this little room

I want to pour the world like a bowl of tomato bisque 

spinkle something here and there

spices from the rack

drink it up like chai tea

If there is something profound here 

Explain it, otherwise let me float

Come apart from the ground and drift

The singing fools have finally left the kitchen and I rest in my silence

Only for a while in your absence

When you're gone it's the only time

I hear my voice. It's the only time I see

You never sing, you never dance

You wear a cold smile 

Some part my heart died when I met you. 

I knew I that your chains had found my wrists.

It isn't because you are mean

It is because you are numb. So numb that it makes you stupid 

Your sad little parents never taught you to feel. So you followed behind them with a tight fist. Holding back the earth quaking noise

The feelings are all lost now, you've sequestered them and now you can even see the surface. 

Poem

I cast you out every time

Spit you up in the molten

Puss from a volcano

I am the cannon

And the sinking ship

All I can see is my hollowness

You try to fill me with devotion

yet there are too many holes

A Pearl eyed, sullen, swept

I drift from bank to bank

I didn't eat today

I wanted to see how long

I could stand the hunger

until the sun came up

I know there are those

who don't choose it but

they feel it all the same

until the sun comes up

I feel my legs in water

I wade through the lake

back to something

but I always seem to float back

to my island in the middle

I want to get something done

to be like you, to keep walking

even when your feet sting

I look into the eyes of those

who I think expect something

but they don't want nothing

but a nod 

I am hard pressed against myself

caught between love and loathing

The child in my heart shows her face

only so often 

Its hard to draw her out

There was once someone 

carefree who loved to entertain

now she is hiding behind

a slow and still face

That looks at the floor most days

afraid to meet your gaze

Its not that I don't like you

I'm just shy

I'm hard pressed against myself 

caught between love and loathing

the child in my heart shows her face only so often

Its hard to draw her out

rainbow river

A7       E
Trying not to think too hard
about all that is outside of me
because if I cling to it all
I'll be in pieces

A7       E
The river of my soul
is fluid and sweet
But you will find life's debris
caked along the banks

A        E
Oh how do I decide
what to keep
and what to put aside
will these memories
stay or die
G     A
Cause I'm tired


A7      E
You say you want to leave the world
that the sickness has done you in
cyclical and sad as it is
the worst is in your eyes

where is the mercy you cry
into the the very of black night
the response is quiet and shy
G     A
and full of stars

I wanted to believe'
I wanted to believe
2x
in the night

Ur eyez

sometimes I see
Into your life
before you met me
and I'm taken with all

The beauty you've found
in lands that I've never seen
we are driving through
the foggy hills of wyoming

and my soul is taken far
from my body as we travel
down the road

I want your eyes
I need your eyes
I want your eyes
for myself love
all for my self
All for myself

I know it might seem
selfish but I can't see it any
other way

I surrender to the dance
of my heart
I'll keep you
and that is all

chorus